Annoying Coworker 2.0

This motherfucker is the worst.

There is a new Annoying Coworker in town. He's in his early 40s, white, male, is bald but keeps the hair that wraps around his ears (Side note: Why do guys do this? This is by far the ugliest look for a man. I hate this guy on so many levels.).

His hands are always dirty. Even when he washes his hands they have grim and oil on them.

He has an earring in his ear. A fucking earring. Not like Mr. Clean but a single gold fucking stud.

He's a close talker.

When he is befuddled, which is often, he huffs (audible inhale, loud "uhhhhhhhh" exhale). He says everything he thinks. Always. He's sitting at a desk and he says, "I gotta go to the bank and feed the meter."

Annoying Coworker 2.0 has no concept of computers. He is technologically retarded.When teaching him about software the information goes in one ear and out the other since he will call up and ask me about something I just explained to him.

He is a womanizer. Anytime an attractive woman crosses the street he stares at them and says something offensive.

All of this puts me in a rage but none of them compare to what happened to me last week:

I was sitting at my desk doing some work (gchating) when AC 2.0 walks in laughing. He is in an especially chipper mood. He proceeds to tell me a story. WARNING: Contains graphic language below

Annoying Coworker: Hey man, you know Times Square?

Me: Sure do.

AC: Remember how it was in the 70's? With all the porno shops?

Me: Totally (I was born in 1979).

AC: Well they used to have these porn theaters over there that would play pornos on a big screen. I used to go to them all the time. One day I was at this one theater and there was a long line. I asked a guy what's with the line? He tells me there are two lines: one to get in and watch the movie and another to meet the porno star.

Me: (Vomiting in my mouth and then swallowing it back down then vomiting again)

AC: So I thought, 'when am I ever gonna be able to meet a porno star again?' so I wait on the line and check this out (He hands me a picture).

In my hands is an old beat up Polaroid of Annoying Coworker 2.0 with a full head of hair and large beard. He is sitting down smiling while an adult film star naked with her legs spread wide open. Since this is the 80s the actress is sporting haircuts from that era in both parts of her body.

AC: Isn't that funny? Look at all that hair I used to have! Man! I just found this picture! I was cleaning out some boxes and found it!

END SCENE

Some Observations:

1. I am holding an old beat up Polaroid of a naked woman. Touching it. With my fingers. This disgusting human being has certainly done very disgusting things to this photo in the 30 years he has owned it and here I am touching it.

2. This monster handed me a dirty photo at my desk. That's sexual harassment! Or it fucking should be! It certainly feels a bit rapey what he did to me.

3. Who admits to going to a "Porno theater"? Who even says "Porno theater"? Degenerates, that's who.