Annoying Coworker Walks into the Bathroom...

Annoying Coworker 2.0: Portly, white, male who looks like your typical child predator.

 

Scene: Office bathroom. Awful room. Picture the room in the first Saw movie. The bathroom in this office is slightly better than that. There are two stalls to the left and a sink to the right. (OFF TOPIC: I hate this sink. there is a hot and cold knob for the faucet but the hot water is boiling kettle water and the cold is ice cold. Get worse.) The doors to the stalls are reminiscent to saloon doors in old westerns. They sway back and forth and have no locks. God forbid! There is a good amount of privacy for these shitty (pun!) conditions. So, once someone is inside a stall you know they are in the stall. You check the bottom and you see legs. End of story.

There I am sitting down on the throne minding my own business when the door to the bathroom opens.  I'm bummed I don't get to finish my session in piece but it's not a big deal. Except, my stall door opens (he pulls the door instead pushing the door!) and in slides Annoying Coworker!

Annoying Coworker 2.0

This motherfucker is the worst.

Annoying Coworker Has Left the Pocket

I started this blog begrudgingly. I really didn't see the point. Annoying Coworker is annoying and bad at her job. I just figured nature would run it's course and she would be gone. Well, a year went by and nature did not flush this person out of my life. So I started tweeting about Annoying Coworker and then started a blog. Well, I am, shockingly, sad to report that Annoying Coworker has been let go.

I mean, she has feeling and a family (I assume). I should be popping champagne and doing hand stands, but I can't help but feel bad for her.  I also can't help but analyze her going away email!  Take a look!

To: Kris and coworkers
From: Annoying Coworker

Subject: Good bye.

Good (space) bye (period).  hat does this mean? Does it mean she is happy to be gone? Like, "Thank god I'm out of THIS place."? Who puts a space and a period on the subject line? Hmmm, she is Annoying Coworker.... A space I can accept.  She was nervous and junk. But the period...this means something!

Hi, folks:


Hrmmp, there she goes with more punctuation. Maybe she's one of those people who over punctuates when they are mad. LOUD NOISES!!!! Is she also confused how to use a colon? Was the comma not available? Maybe she was redoing her resume and just got into the habit of colons. I wonder if she started writing, "To Whom it may Concern:" and had to delete it. Maybe she thought 2 commas in the same line would look silly. Grade: F Epic Failure there. Leaving that line blank would have been better.

It was good to work with you. Best of luck.


It was "good" to work with us? Not "nice"? or "nice knowing you"? If I got let go and I was treated fairly I would have sprinkled in some warm sentiments. Maybe not, "It's been a pleasure to work with you all" but something other than, "It's been good to work with you." Thanks robot! Good luck heading home to your pod. Also, Best of luck? Fuck you! Do you know how many mornings I've thought about cutting myself with my razor so  I would have an excuse not to come into work? Once! and that's once too many!! Grade: C. Learn how to talk.

But for real....Best of luck to you Annoying Coworker.  May you smell satisfaction and find workers who do not find you to be the most annoying human being on earth. With that, Annoying Coworker is out of pocket for good.

What does this mean for the Annoying Coworker blog?  Well, details to come!

Sound off below!  Have I been unfair to Annoying Coworker? Any last words to her?

The Add-On

Office work environments have cycles. There is a routine that is just bound to happen. You sit down at your desk and you are there for 8 hours a day. It goes without saying that everyone has a different routine. Some people have OCD like routines: I sit down, open my email, open my fantasy baseball team page, get coffee.  Some people have quirky routines: A colleague of mine will get confused and stumble when he answers the phone from 11am until 2pm. He will start to say, "Good Mor- (look at the time and continue) -Afternoon." Some have unhealthy routines: A guy I know will go down for a cigarette every 90 minutes.

The point is: we all have our own personal character traits. It makes us who we are. We are perfectly imperfect human beings.  Take Annoying Coworker-please! She does something I like to call: The Add-on.

Lunch

Lunch is always a mission.  First of all there is nothing to eat that is interesting in the Flatiron District (There's so much Shake Shack a guy can handle). More importantly though is that I need to ask coworkers what they are doing for lunch without Annoying Coworker hearing.  This goes on like a god damn Mission Impossible scene. Sometimes emails are exchanged between two or three people sitting no more than 5 feet from one another. Other times, when Annoying Coworker steps out for the bathroom, we quickly discuss our options. The room lights up with conversation, much like the floor of the stock market, only to fall silent like a library once Annoying Coworker reenters the room.

We have our eating habits as well: If Annoying Coworker is in we eat at the lunch room. If not, we eat at our desks and listen to music, make jokes, enjoy life and all it's minute pleasures. We have, on occasion, fallen into the Annoying Coworker trap. The trap is set when Annoying Coworker leaves the office with her bag and coat and shuts off the lights (We fall for this trick all too often). We then go out and get our lunch and sit down at our desks and BAM Annoying Coworker enters the room with lunch. We are crest fallen when the lights go back on and she sits down with her lunch.

On the the end of the spectrum Annoying Coworker will leave for the day (at like 3pm) and leave the lights on. She will not say goodbye to anyone and just vanish.  But we sit and wait...and wait for her to come through the doorway and ruin our afternoon only to realize at 4:55pm that she has gone home for the day. 

So we play this cat and mouse game. Day in and day out. 5 days a week. 52 weeks a year.

Timeline: Good God Friday

The following is a timeline of questions and thoughts Annoying Coworker has asked me today. All event happen in real time (also: This is all fake and made up) My thoughts and quotes are in italics

9:00am: What are people doing this weekend? Do shut up

9:04am: Want to hear this french name? Take a wild fucking guess! No! No I do not want to hear a french name! 

9:05am: Do you have any pets?

9:13am: For some reason this program is not launching. Can you help me?

9:14am: What's the number one question people ask you? People ask me all the time if I am worried you will find out about this blog. Since you are fiction and made up in my head: No. I am not worried.  

9:16am: Transformers 2: "Really Great" - Annoying Coworker

Timeline: March 31, 2010

8:30am - Work is relaxing and a little bit of music is playing.

9:30am - First cup of coffee and some jokes around the office

12:00pm - Lunch is eaten and some sports talk is on the radio

1:30pm - Annoying Coworker arrives. Silence begins and Annoying Lights are turned on

3:00pm - Annoying Coworker is asked to do something about a late notice she has been dragging her feet on

4:30pm - Coworker and I discuss baseball and Annoying Coworker interrupts with lame and sexless story about knowing someone who worked for a disgraced politician and then landing on their feet.

4:40pm - Annoying Coworker gathers her belongings and leaves the office. Ignoring multiple goodbyes from coworkers.